Further fuzzifying the decriminalization of adultery

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, erstwhile evangelical pastor Ted Haggard says he doesn't consider himself gay, but rather "a heterosexual with issues."

Aren't we all. But what followed is the disturbing part:

"Haggard used to think the same-sex attractions that led to his downfall were demonic, but now sees them as part of who he is. He told Winfrey that while he believes Jesus accepts him and everyone as they are, he also believes that the Bible is God's Word, and that God's ideal is for 'heterosexual monogamous marriage'."

I believe that is God's ideal too, but the founders of this country that Ted, Oprah and I share did more than believe it: they wrote it into law. Conjugal relations outside of "heterosexual monogamous marriage" were excluded from the realm of legally permissible activities. These laws have slowly fallen into oblivion, with the only vestige being the universal prohibition in all 50 states against being married to more than one entity at a time. Surely this too, will fall.

WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURES MIGHT HAVE SAID TO OPRAH:

Abraham, 1900 BCE:

"I believe God's ideal is for heterosexual monogamous marriage, but since my wife is infertile, I'm also taking on a concubine or two in order to produce heirs."

Lot's oldest daughter, 1900 BCE:

"I believe God's ideal is for heterosexual monogamous marriage, but since God killed our mom, my sister and I will get Dad to impregnate us in order to pass on our genes, even if we have to get him blind drunk to do it."


Solomon, 900 BCE:
"I believe God's ideal is for heterosexual monogamous marriage, but politics being what they are, I'm also taking on an extra 700 wives in order to promote peace in the region. And since nobody's stopping me, I'll also throw in another 300 women as concubines."

Hillel, 30 CE:
"I believe God's ideal is for heterosexual monogamous marriage, but if your wife burns the toast, you can toss her out and get another one. Remember, God accepts you just as you are."

Bill Clinton, 1998:

"I did not have a sexual relationship with that woman--depending on what your definition of 'is' is. Besides, Lord knows I have needs that Hilary can't meet."

Ray Boltz, 2008:

"I believe God's ideal is for heterosexual monogamous marriage, but since it didn't work out for Carol and me, I'm going to go with who I really am and get a man--or men--instead. Remember, God accepts me just as I am."


WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS:

God, 1490 BCE:

"Thou shalt not commit adultery."

Jesus, 30 CE:

"[God] made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.'
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. "

"Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven."