Changing a light bulb, according to the latest principles of textual criticism

The White Man rarely changes a light bulb anymore, unless the compact fluorescent came loose from its housing. And that isn't actually changing a bulb, but replacing it.

Yet the concept of changing a light bulb is forever enshrined in the humor element of the White Man's culture, and that is never likely to change. Some day a child may look blankly at his father and ask, "Daddy, what's a light bulb?" But until that day, the joke will remain funny.

Typing in "How many turkey vultures does it take to change a light bulb" at ask.com resulted in no answers, but over a thousand hits. Removing 'turkey vultures' from the equation led to a hundred times that many. Here are just two exemplars of the logion, 'How many __________ (members of a particular Christian denomination) does it take to change a light bulb?'

**********************************

Cyberscript A:


Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?



**************************

Cyberscript B:


Q:
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

Q:
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)

Q:
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q:
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q:
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?
A:
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

Q:
How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Q:
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
"What's a light bulb?"

Q:
How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.


Q:
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

Q:
How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. They always use candles instead.

Q:
How many Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

Q:
How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One. But they are still in darkness.

Q:
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Change?????

Q:
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q:
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q:
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q:
How many baptist's does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
The whole congregation needs to vote on it!

Q:
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q:
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Q:
How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

Q:
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. If God wants the light bulb changed He will do it Himself!

Q:
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

Q:
How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Q:
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

Q:
How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
4 ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.

******************************

Without constructing a detailed critical apparatus, we can quickly realize the Webex B has undergone correction by scribes of several different denominations. We would therefore date it rather late in the stream. Note the dittographs in relation to Baptists, Evangelicals, and Charismatics. We would expect this script to undergo subsequent editing by a redactor seeking to minimize harmonizations, but this is a good example of a wild transitional text.

Webex A, on the other hand, is concise and well organized. The question is whether it should be considered earlier than B (in which the numerous scribes who corrected the exemplars of B corrupted its text), or a later orthodox correction of B.

Is there really any way of telling? And does it matter? Whether earlier or later than B, A is just simply a better Webex to use. B is too sloppily compiled to lend any credence to the originality of ANY of its readings. I wouldn't use B to correct anything in A. And to get back to the question, I'd need to collate a whole lot more cyberscripts before I could answer it. Right now, that hardly seems worth my bother. Let those who argue for the originality of B do the work, and prove their point.

I'm listening.


By the way, how many textual critics does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer, according to the latest principles of textual criticism:

"Phrasing the question this way shows your ignorance of how textual criticism works. Textual critics are to be weighed, not counted."

This is especially important, I suppose, when the ladder being used only holds 200 pounds.