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Friday, 25 March 2005

My living will

Lest anyone later accuse me of not having given directives as to how my body should be disposed of should I ever become incommunicative for over three weeks, I offer below my "living will":

I, the father of Andy, being of sound mind and body, and a resident of a State formed under the authority of the Northwest Ordinance, thankful to my Saviour for the years he has given me in the flesh and unaware of how long my time on this earth shall last, do hereby set forth the terms upon which I wish to leave this mortal life.
NOTE: Any pertinent instructions written and signed in my hand, including those entered onto a keyboard by me in the presence of impartial witnesses, shall supersede this document.
NOTE: All references to the male gender in this document shall be construed to equally refer to the female gender, and all references to swine shall be construed to equally refer to any unclean animal as listed in Leviticus chapter eleven, WEB version.
ITEM 1. It is my will to live as long as there is someone willing to care for my physical needs at his own expense.
ITEM 2. I do not authorize anyone to withhold the nourishment or care my body needs to continue functioning for any reason, under any circumstances.
ITEM 3. Except as provided for elsewhere in Items one through six of this document, I do not authorize any beneficiary of any insurance policy which may be taken out on my life to exercise any right he may otherwise have to make any decisions that would hasten my death.
ITEM 4. If ever a time comes that my body ceases to continue the functions necessary for life, I authorize anyone to perform whatever procedure he feels necessary to restore those functions, provided he assumes full financial and legal responsibility for that procedure and any hospitalization directly resulting from it.
ITEM 5. I authorize my primary heir to sue for my release from any hospitalization to which he has not given his consent, without let or hindrance, even if such a release should cause my death.
ITEM 6. I authorize any court settlement which is intended for my care to be used for my treatment, restoration, rehabilitation, and reconstruction, with the following exceptions:
1) Legal expenses related to petitioning the court for the withholding or provision of nutrition or life support;
2) Surgery or drug therapy that is not reasonably expected to prolong my life more than five years;
3) Surgery to remove organs from my body for the purpose of organ donation;
4) Surgery to implant body parts donated by, or recovered from, simians or swine.
5) Expenses related to the final disposition of my mortal remains.
ITEM. I charge my primary heir to take into account my extreme distaste for hypodermic needles when ordering my medical care, and my desire that they be used only to deliver drugs or nutrition, without which I would reasonably be expected to die within five days, or to develop, as a direct result of withholding hypodermic therapy during those five days, an irreversible condition which could reasonably be expected to end my life within a year. This is the only item in my Living Will which I leave up to the discretion of my primary heir, provided he complies with the other stipulations above.
Electronically signed and edited respectively, using password access to and, while physically located in Jackson Township, on this Catholic Good Friday of the year of our Lord two thousand and five.

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